Whenever I start writing you I get stuck, for the last couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I’m back to this point where I’m here, but I’m not at the same time. I’m back at the point where I’m mostly tired and ill. I’m back at the point where I just much rather stop, than go on. But if there’s something I’ve learned in the last year, it’s not to give up. You get much more out of going on, than laying in bed and doing nothing.

I’m still in search of the drive to really hit it and I think that will come on Christmas Eve, because I really like Christmas. And that’s what gets me through these days. It isn’t you and the lads anymore. And somewhere that’s a good thing, because it isn’t completely sane to rely on a boyband. But it is normal to dream, and you and the lads are still my dream. Five lads, that made their dreams come true and they did that by just being themselves.

Like you tweeted earlier, Take me home is out in some countries. Luckily for me, I still get some luck, because the Netherlands is one of them. And I know that reveals some of my identity. But let’s be honest, most of my followers already know who I am, or not. That would be fun.

It’s the album that so much better than Up All Night, since I like all the songs on this one. But it’s also the album that’s gonna be heard in so many arenas. It’s the album all my friends are gonna hear live. Let’s hope my dearest Lissl will be one of them. I’m getting way too personal, but who cares?! I knew when I heard that you were gonna tour here, that I wasn’t going. I didn’t want to know, but I did. Because I knew that I would do anything to let the people I love go, more than me. So, in months from now my best friend is gonna stare into your eyes, and I know she’ll tweet you stating she loves you more that anything. And I know I will not come to her mind. And that’s ok. Just know, that even know I’m not there, I wanted to be so so so bad. It’s the one thing I was looking for the last two years. I just wanted to put that straight, I wanted to be there but as you know: I’m not. And I’m still trying to cope with that.

Sean. Your best friend, just made my 20th birthday the best ever. Since -yeah- he followed me. Like, I would have screamed and run down the street naked if you followed me. But just a lap around the neighbourhood will do for this.

What if it all ends before it starts? I know you’ve made my believe in my dreams more than anyone ever did. But what if I never get the chance to fight for them like you did? I know many think of it as a silly thought, but the end of the world isn’t that silly. Your life could be over any second. We don’t get a say in this, except when you’re willing to take your own life.

It’s the scariest thought I’ve ever had. When my friends had nightmares about walking into school naked, I had actual panic attacks. So scared of not living, that I was willing to end it all then and there. Sometimes -when I really start thinking- I get this idea that I’d rather do it myself than die in this massive crowd of people, terrified. But then again, what if it really is just this silly thought. What if we all get to celebrate Christmas this year? And the year after?

I have this rule for myself that I’m allowed to listen to Christmas songs after my birthday. It’s the next celebration after my birthday -besides the birthdays of my older sister, granddad and dog- and I always look forward to it. I like the family feeling it gives you. It’s all about smiles, hugs and especially warm sweaters. I really do like a warm sweater.

I’m just so scared, even more that this scare might never pass. It really are the what-ifs that hurt the most. And I really really wish they didn’t. What if..

Happy birthday! I know I’m one of millions who will say that to you today, but let’s face it: I couldn’t miss a change to tell you this. Niall, you’re meant for greatness, the things you did in the short nineteen years you have walked this earth. Not many people get to do that, not many people live their dreams and I hope you still remember how lucky you are.

Luck wasn’t the only thing that got you to this point in life. Yes, you’re talented, very talented I might say -since I still think you have the most wonderful voice- and your talent brought you far. But as it is your birthday, I think we need to thank two other people as well. Your mum and dad, for raising you the way they did. We’ll never know what your family was like but what we do know is that they love you, with all of their hearts. You can see it in their eyes, they’re so proud, Niall.

Next to your amazing parents and talent, you have so much in life to be proud of. Your friends -even the ones that aren’t around you 24/7- and the love they give you, not many can handle being friends with someone that lives your life. I hope you know that and I bet you do. You were never one to take something for granted. And you’ll never will, since you work for what you’ve got. You work even when you’re not worker and I appreciate that in you. All the fans do.

I wish there will come a day I can tell you this in person, but I bet there won’t. And I can live with that fact. I’m thankful I can write this all down and let it live. Happy, happy, happy birthday. Let this be one of many to come and enjoy today, another year will be over before you know it. See you next year, much love.